Surprise. Betrayal has reared its ugly head. Again. I allowed myself to get comfortable. To believe in the friendships...family-like friendships...that presented themselves to me. In actuality, I ignored the facts around me. I ignored the obvious evidence that I sought out those relationships, even fought for them, and placed myself in this situation.
And now I sit here, shocked again. Sad again. Feeling that odd pain in my chest. I want to cry but I'm too tough for that. I want to scream...at myself and others...but I don't (I have neighbors that I'm sure would not appreciate that). It's just completely ridiculous how I continue to put my trust in the types of people that I know will let me down. And when they do, I act shocked. But am I really? If anything, I'm shocked that I allowed myself to fall for the same crap. Get in the same mess. Think that this time would be different.
It'd be tolerable if the betrayers didn't pretend to the betrayed that there was no betrayal. If they didn't insist on stabbing my in the back rather than punching me in the face. But no. They've gotta smile in my face and whisper behind my back. Giggle in front of me and play tick-tack-toe on my backside when they think I'm not looking.
And while I know I don't deserve it, and I know it's f'd up, I still grasp at the air for answers. Still fumble for reasons why. But to no avail. I continue to come up empty handed, my back bleeding from all the stabbage, looking for someone to start the process all over again. This, ladies and gentlemen, is masochism at its best.
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