NINE DAYS AND COUNTING...

I'm nine days away from being a wife. A wife. 

I'm nine days from being forever connected to another individual...hopefully.

Nine days away from married life.

Am I ready? Sure.

Am I sure? Of course.

Am I freaking out? Not out in the open at least.

What if I'm not any good at being a wife? Even bigger question: what if I'm not a good MOTHER when the time comes? 

I'm not freaking out. I'm just stressing out about the after. Is that the same? I don't know how much will change with all of this official-ness...but I know something is going to change...at least that's what everyone says...

Celibacy. What's that about?

So me and the fiancee have been struggling with what exactly this celibacy situation is about and why we are doing it?...or not doing it, rather.

Both of us being fairly religious, we were always informed of the importance of being celibate...at least for a while leading up to the big day. They say, "out of respect".

But frankly, it's stressful...perhaps even PAINFUL!...and as we draw nearer and become increasingly frustrated, we are beginning to ask ourselves, "why are we doing this again?"

Any takers?

Oddly, Major Issues = No Writing

I know it's been an incredibly long time since my last entry...but there have been an incredible amount of issues in my life lately...

1. i've been really poor and therefore really stressed out and totally unmotivated to write...thank goodness that's over now (thank you federal government!) you never know how much being broke can affect your emotional well-being!
2. entirely too much graduate school work happening...thank goodness that's over also...until next month at least!
3. all of that plus usual wedding drama....

But I'm better now, so get ready for the blogg-age!

TRUST...

I'm always amazed at just how quickly a person can prove how fragile and easily removable trust is. In the past, I've been an equal opportunity truster...being careful about who I let in while still being willing to let it happen. But oh how quickly and forcefully I'm reminded that trust is fragile, and most often undervalued. Hell, right now, I'm wondering if anyone really knows what it means anymore. I'm always shocked, like I didn't see it coming...but deep down...I know I did. I know who's really there for me and who's just there. And yet I try to take everyone in. Try to accept and be accepted by everyone. Some abandonment issues from my childhood no doubt. But I'm over it...For good over it...Trust and I are finished. With those TWO who have established it in my life and kept it alive and thriving...with those two it will stay. No more loans or rentals. The shit never comes back like it was when I lent it out. So...I'm over it...I need a new word for over.

Damn this masochistic nature of mine...I've got to get some sort of cream or pill for this!

Welcome Back Betrayal...

Surprise. Betrayal has reared its ugly head. Again. I allowed myself to get comfortable. To believe in the friendships...family-like friendships...that presented themselves to me. In actuality, I ignored the facts around me. I ignored the obvious evidence that I sought out those relationships, even fought for them, and placed myself in this situation.

And now I sit here, shocked again. Sad again. Feeling that odd pain in my chest. I want to cry but I'm too tough for that. I want to scream...at myself and others...but I don't (I have neighbors that I'm sure would not appreciate that). It's just completely ridiculous how I continue to put my trust in the types of people that I know will let me down. And when they do, I act shocked. But am I really? If anything, I'm shocked that I allowed myself to fall for the same crap. Get in the same mess. Think that this time would be different.

It'd be tolerable if the betrayers didn't pretend to the betrayed that there was no betrayal. If they didn't insist on stabbing my in the back rather than punching me in the face. But no. They've gotta smile in my face and whisper behind my back. Giggle in front of me and play tick-tack-toe on my backside when they think I'm not looking.

And while I know I don't deserve it, and I know it's f'd up, I still grasp at the air for answers. Still fumble for reasons why. But to no avail. I continue to come up empty handed, my back bleeding from all the stabbage, looking for someone to start the process all over again. This, ladies and gentlemen, is masochism at its best.

Pick Your Euphemism...

Do you ever wonder what people will say about you after you die? I do. All the time. Call it morbid...but I'm always picturing my close friends and loved ones in heated debates over my true character and who I truly was...

Will people use little euphemisms to plant little hidden messages in my obit? Will anyone spontaneously burst into tears at the thought of a moment or laugh we once shared? Or will people just say, "she was nice...but no one really knew who exactly she was..."?

I always say "I have no fears"...but the truth is (and this is so weird that I feel comfortable revealing this to an infinite number of unknown individuals rather than someone close to me...but that's another entry...): my biggest...and maybe my only...fear is that when I die, no one will even remember I was here.

What's my euphemism? "She was disarming."

What about those other minorities?...

What if I were another race? A different minority. What if, for a day, I was Asian...any other race than one of the two hot minorities right now: Hispanic and Black. All the others kind of get the shaft if seems. Who's really trying to figure out how the minorities of the minorities feel? Who cares? Honestly, how much of your day do you spend listening to news about immigration or civil rights with respect to the two hot minorities? Compare that to how much time the other minorities are brought to your attention...it's really unfair. I'm sure they're experiencing some injustices or complications we all should be aware of...aren't they?

So today, go out there and try to find a minority (not one of the two hot ones) and see how their life is going? Ask one of your Asian buddies, whom you no doubt forgot was a minority, and see if society is treating them decently these days...

But then again...if these other minorities have begun to drop off the scene, does that mean they've completely assimilated and are no longer receiving the social shaft?....I don't have the answers...in fact, I'm just rambling....but seriously...

And the wedding draws ever closer...

So...I'm getting married in December. December 29th to be exact. While I don't want to say that I'm scared I will say I'm slightly frightened. I mean, the rest of my life...forever...this one guy that I've been with for 5 years already!...everyday...FOREVER. I love him. It's just the idea that scares...no...slightly frightens...me.

Another truly interesting twist to this tale is that my husband-to-be and my current family (and I use the term loosely) can hardly stomach each other. I know this is an incredibly unique situation, but, damn it, it's agonizing. Because I am a people-pleaser, it doesn't matter how synchronized we are on this subject. I still try to make my parents happy...most of the time. And I try to make him happy. But it's becoming increasingly difficult to do both. They all want to be number one. Impossible. And each time they say or do something crazy (and I do mean crazy...but I'll get to that in another entry) I'm tempted to just be like "f' it." and ditch the parentals and their death grip on my frickin life.

But back to the wedding issue. My parents are paying for it. So my parents basically get to do whatever they want as far as planning it...which is generally always the exact opposite of what I want or would do. So the closer the day comes, the more I dread the ridiculous spectacle this is going to be. Not so much the vows part, just, you know, everything else.

Somebody give me the balls to elope!